


That Feeling That Crushes Your Heart and Squeezes Your Lungs

by liestotheheart (liesunheardof)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 12:24:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12911877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liesunheardof/pseuds/liestotheheart
Summary: Jihoon could tell though. He could tell that Jeonghan was in love. Or at least had a crush on his best friend. The best friend who was vocally Christian and went to church every Sunday like clockwork. The best friend who was dead oblivious to Jeonghan’s heart eyes and the way he undressed Joshua with the same eyes.Jihoon knew. He could tell the symptoms of being lovesick a mile away. No, not lovesickness. Just a huge crush. He could tell because he had one on Yoon Jeonghan.





	That Feeling That Crushes Your Heart and Squeezes Your Lungs

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for a friend who wanted unrequited love featuring Woozi crushing on Jeonghan but Jeonghan in love with Joshua. And angst.

“Shua,” Jeonghan shouted, bounding over like a puppy to the bright-eyed soft smiling boy. Wrapping his arm around Joshua’s shoulder, he squeezed. For a second it looked like Jeonghan was going to swoop in for a kiss but he didn’t. He simply held on and babbled away as Joshua nodded as he listened ever attentively to his best friend.

If people didn’t know better they’d assume that the two of them were dating, maybe even crushing on each other. Or rather Jeonghan crushing on Joshua. But the minds of high schoolers were small and they took everything at face value. Jeonghan had been seen with countless girls confessing their love; he’d even gone out with a few of them. Joshua was devoted to his studies and his faith, his ever-twinkling cross earring present. Everyone thought they knew it all.

But they didn’t. Not the way Jihoon knew. He watched, not in the stalker sort of way, no matter Soonyoung said and cackled at him. He just watched Yoon Jeonghan for some reason. He couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from the guy’s smile, the way he laughed, or the way he shot baskets into the hoop. If Jihoon was a photographer he’d have endless photos of him. But he wasn’t. Jihoon was just some underclassman who knew Jeonghan via association. They weren’t even that close.

Jihoon could tell though. He could tell that Jeonghan was in love. Or at least had a crush on his best friend. The best friend who was vocally Christian and went to church every Sunday like clockwork. The best friend who was dead oblivious to Jeonghan’s heart eyes and the way he undressed Joshua with the same eyes.

Jihoon knew. He could tell the symptoms of being lovesick a mile away. No, not lovesickness. Just a huge crush. He could tell because he had one on Yoon Jeonghan.

* * *

“Jihoon!” A shout came down the hall, overwhelming even the large rush of noise from the other students shouting, talking, giggling amongst themselves as they moved to get to where they wanted for lunch.

Sighing, Jihoon turned around. Damn Kwon Soonyoung, his sort of best friend and brother. He let himself be glomped and held onto.

“Join me for lunch today,” he said, all excited and full of energy that never seemed to go away.

He groaned, pushing Soonyoung’s arms off him. “I got it,” he huffed, “just stop hugging me to death.”

Soonyoung grinned in delight, his eyes disappearing. “It’s cuz you’re so cute Jihoonie.”

Jihoon jabbed him in the gut, smiling as Soonyoung doubled over in a mild pained groan. “I told you not to call me that.” It was bad enough that all the girls in school cooed in his direction like he was a tiny cute animal. Some of the other guys taunted him for his short stature, which had him wanting to jump out of his seat and trying to take them down.

“Ok, ok. You shouldn’t hurt your hyung like this though,” Soonyoung coughed out, coming back up. “Let’s go get lunch before everything is gone. Then we can meet up with everyone else.”

Jihoon’s stomach lurched. Everyone meant that Jeonghan would be there too. Soonyoung happened to luckily(?), annoyingly(?) associated with Joshua, who was best friend with the guy who Jihoon’s stomach clench in painful ways. Painful yet at the same time wonderful tingly feelings flooded him when he saw Jeonghan smile or laugh. Having this crush was so annoying.

For one Jihoon hated, no resented the hell out of Hong Joshua. And it felt wrong! The guy was so damn nice and just freakishly soft, a bit oblivious and his head was in the clouds sometimes, but he didn’t have a mean bone in his body. So, it made resenting him feel so damn wrong. It was like hating kittens, because that’s what Joshua was, or at least what Jeonghan called him some days.

But it was hard at the same time not to resent Joshua. To be filled with jealousy that Jeonghan hung all over him, wanted him, loved him. Jeonghan wanted Joshua and Joshua didn’t even freaking know. And Jihoon stood on the fringes of their friend circle, loving Jeonghan and being mildly invisible to him.

It would’ve been easier to stomach if Jeonghan ignored his existence, wasn’t friendly. But he was. He hugged Jihoon and talked to him, smiled at him, laughed with him. Jeonghan was nice, caring, and hot. But his eyes were always trained to Joshua and Jihoon didn’t have the same sort of hold Hong Joshua had on Jeonghan. So Jihoon hated Joshua. It was simpler to hate Joshua for not being in love with Jeonghan as well, and to hate him for taking the love Jihoon wanted.

* * *

“Look who I brought,” Soonyoung crowed, pushing Jihoon lightly to the circle of boys sitting down on the grass.

“Hey Jihoon,” Mingyu said, waving his chopsticks.

Vernon nodded his way, his mouth stuffed to the brim with some sort of bread.

Wonwoo ignored him for his book, but still waved a hand.

Seungcheol nodded and grinned, it was nice to see his friend.

There were other guys there too but Jihoon didn’t care. The only person Jihoon really wanted a greeting from was all over Joshua’s lap, his elbows on Joshua’s thighs, whining away.

“Shua,” Jeonghan whined, “feed me.”

Joshua chuckled, flicking Jeonghan on the forehead lightly. “And what about your own lunch?”

Jeonghan stuck out his tongue. “Your mom’s food is better. And not to mention what you cooked.”

“Your mom will cry when I tell her this,” Joshua said laughing down at Jeonghan. He stopped, thinking about it for a second, “Then she’ll smack you upside the head and tell me she’d rather have me for a son.”

Jeonghan squirmed, almost throwing a tantrum. “I know,” he said, “she doesn’t love me as much as you love me Shua.” He looked up at Joshua, eyes shining, “Feed me?”

At this point, Joshua had taken to petting Jeonghan on the head, running his fingers through his hair. “I guess.” He took his chopsticks up and picked up a piece of meat stir fried with some green veggies. Gently, he placed it in Jeonghan’s open mouth, smiling.

For someone who was devoted to his faith, Joshua sure didn’t mind all the touching and attention Jeonghan seemed to want from him. It irked Jihoon just a smidge. But he also knew that Joshua just didn’t seem to give a damn about that, nor did he even know Jeonghan did all of his childish actions because he wanted Joshua’s attention on him 24/7.

Jeonghan acted out simply to get Joshua’s attention, something that was hard to come by half the time thanks to him just not always being there. Either physically at Jeonghan’s basketball games, or just there with him whenever Jeonghan happened to be near him.

Jihoon knew the joy that spread across Jeonghan’s face when he saw Joshua in the audience, somewhere in the bleachers instead of doing things for the student council or being somewhere else thanks to his busy schedule. Jihoon could never make Jeonghan look that happy and it killed him. Jeonghan showed off so much more during those games, weaving in and out of players, shooting baskets and making sure his muscles were on display just for Joshua.

“Hey, lovebirds,” Jun drawled, “we all are getting a bit tired of this display. So, can you stop it for a bit.” The Chinese native looked ready to barf a little in his own mouth.

Jeonghan glared from his position, his cheeks nuzzling Joshua’s lean, muscled thigh. He hated being interrupted during his Shua time.

“You want some of my love too Junnie?” Joshua looked up at him, having just finished swallowing some food himself. He had a teasing smile on his face, “You want me to feed you too? Come here. Let Joshua hyung take care of you.”

“Oh! Ewwww!” Several of their friends screamed, screeching into the air.

“You sound like a pedo Shua,” Seungcheol said, laughing.

Jeonghan narrowed his eyes. Shua was his nickname for Joshua.

Jihoon looked away, trying not to shiver. Angry Jeonghan was a hot one. He conveniently ignored the fact that Jeonghan usually only ever got angry over people making Joshua sad, people taking away Joshua’s attention, and just everything revolving around Joshua. Jihoon saw it clearly enough; Joshua was Jeonghan’s world and Jeonghan had no use for anyone else really. Something that was a hard pill to swallow.

He dreamed sometimes. In his dreams Jeonghan looked at him that way. With eyes full of love and adoration, whined at him for attention, hugged him longer, touched him softer. Some of Jihoon’s other dreams had Jeonghan kissing him, gently at first, teasing him for being shy, until he opened Jihoon’s mouth with his tongue, moving it inwards to make Jihoon gasp. Jeonghan’s hands on his hips, gripping them hard, holding him close, as if he were loved, as if Jihoon were the love of his life.

Then he woke up. Jihoon’s chest heaved, not from the mildly dirty dream, but from the feeling of unrequited love. The crushing feeling that pressed on his lungs made it hard to breathe. That feeling of knowing that he loved so hard yet he wasn’t loved in return. Those eyes he wanted to turn his way never saw him, not like they saw Joshua. He woke up unable to breathe, tears lodged in his throat, half wanting to scream over the unfairness of it all. Joshua who didn’t know Jeonghan’s feelings, didn’t return them the way he did, but he had Jeonghan’s heart in his hands. And all Jihoon had was nothing but this aching pain that squeezed his heart tightly.

Jihoon wanted Jeonghan’s love. But all he saw was Joshua.

Silently, Jihoon ate his lunch, trying to ignore Jeonghan and Joshua.

* * *

He yawned. Dreams followed by nightmares kept Jihoon up at night, otherwise he wouldn’t have been so inattentive. He stumbled across Jeonghan in the library, not literally but he saw him, the boy who took Jihoon’s heart without asking.

Jeonghan was having a hard time with something. He growled in frustration, ran his thin fingers through his hair, mussing it in his annoyance. Jihoon even heard some muttering that didn’t sound happy at all.

“No. He wouldn’t like this at all,” Jeonghan whispered under his breath.

“Who wouldn’t like what hyung?” He was stupid for doing this but fuck it. Maybe this risk would pay off.

Jumping, Jeonghan covered the paper he was working on with his arms. He laughed a bit nervously when he saw Jihoon. “Hey, Jihoonie,” he said with a smile. “What’s up?”

“Nothing much,” he replied, shrugging his shoulder. Jihoon bit his lip. A flirty move, but it completely flew over Jeonghan’s head. “You seem to be having problems. Anything I can help with?”

Smiling, self-depreciatingly, Jeonghan said, “I don’t think so.” He gave a pained little laugh. “Unless you know something about confessing and unrequited love.”

Oh, but Jihoon did. He knew all about unrequited love. The subject of his unrequited love was right in front of him even.

“I might,” Jihoon replied. He took the seat in front of Jeonghan. “A letter,” he said, tapping the paper, “probably isn’t the best way. Easier and quicker to go about it straight forward. To their face. Tell the person you like them.” God, he was being a piece of shit. He knew that if Jeonghan told Joshua he liked him that it’d mess up their relationship and then Jeonghan would be broken hearted. Joshua was too devoted to his religion, one that was all gays were bad. But, a little whisper said in his head, ‘It’ll leave Jeonghan for you. He’ll be sad and need comforting. You can be that comfort.’

Jeonghan laughed. “I don’t think it’ll be well received.” He sighed, his eyes falling to his well-erased paper. “The person I like isn’t all the way there sometimes. They’re a bit airheaded.”

Jihoon shrugged. “You never know. Take the risk. It might pay off.”

His fingers curled into fists. There was a tension to Jeonghan’s wide shoulders that Jihoon wanted to massage away.

“Or do you want to keep thinking for the rest of your life what if?”

Jeonghan looked up.

Bingo, Jihoon thought.

“I don’t,” he said quietly. “I want to have them so badly.”

“Then tell them,” Jihoon said. Jihoon’s heart thudded in his chest, each beat was a like a hammer to a drum. He knew what he was doing was beyond shitty but fuck it. This was his chance at happiness.

Jeonghan nodded, almost slamming his hands on the desk. “You’re right. I will.” He grinned at him, “Thanks Jihoonie. I’ll tell you how it goes tomorrow.” Jeonghan reached out and ruffled his hair.

Jihoon nodded, smiling internally.

* * *

Jihoon didn’t see Jeonghan at all the next day, not even during lunch. He wondered if that meant he confessed, got rejected, and opted to stay home. Maybe he should swing by his class to offer to take him the day’s notes and homework.

* * *

“Nope,” a girl said, “Jeonghan came to school today. Wasn’t out sick?” She gave him a look, “Shouldn’t you know that? You’re friends.”

Jihoon shook his head. “Just a regular upperclassman and underclassman relationship. Thanks for the info.” He bowed and left. Odd. So was Jeonghan just hiding away then?

Walking out the doors of the school, Jihoon’s head shot up when he heard a familiar voice.

“Jihoonie! Wait!”

Ah, there was Jeonghan. He sounded rather chipper though…

Jeonghan grinned at him, smile so wide it seemed like he’d spilt his face. “Thanks for the advice yesterday. It worked actually.”

What? Jihoon’s heart dropped to the pit of his stomach. Glancing to the side, he saw Joshua waiting for Jeonghan with a grin on his face. They weren’t fighting. They weren’t avoiding each other. Did he make a mistake? Was Joshua not as devoted as he thought?

He laughed that wonderous laugh that Jihoon hoped to hear all the time. “Yea.” Jeonghan grinned that besotted smile. “Everything turned out fine. We’re going out.” He moved a bit closer, whispering, “You know what else?”

“What?” Jihoon asked, his lungs feeling like they were going to collapse at any moment.

“We actually were crushing on each other for a long time. We were just stupid and afraid,” Jeonghan said.

“Oh,” Jihoon croaked out. Oh god. His planned backfired. Joshua wasn’t a little religious church boy. He liked Jeonghan back as well. Jihoon had no chance now. Not that his chances before were great either, but he thought just maybe.

“Thanks for everything. I’ll text you. I’ll take you out as a thank you.” He ruffled Jihoon’s hair. “See you tomorrow.”

Jihoon nodded, looking at him as he walked away. Jeonghan went over to Joshua, grinning that smile Jihoon loved. He linked his pinky with Joshua’s as it was held out to him. Jihoon stood there watching them walk away.

His eyes burned. His chest felt tight. He couldn’t breathe. His heart hurt so bad, like it was being stabbed a million times with small knives and then they were taken out only to stab him again. Why did love hurt so much? Jihoon choked out a noise. Feeling something wet drip on his face, he looked up. But the sky was clear, the sun was out gleaming a bright yellow orange for the late afternoon.

His hands scrambled to his face. Touching his fingers to his eyes, he felt water. Oh god. He was crying. Another noise tried to escape his throat. He didn’t want people to see him. Jihoon ran. He ran all the way home, tears streaming down his eyes. Collapsing against the wall of his house, he braced himself against it, using it to hold himself up. Everything hurt. Everything hurt so much.

Choking out a sob, he stood there, crying as quietly as he could.


End file.
